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"The De-Jobber"
Here is a product proposal that cuts to the chase. (There are products like this.)
In this bear economy, companies need tools that leverage email to lower costs. Therefore, I propose that we develop an email based automatic employment terminator. Tentative names for this product include the following:
- The De-Jobber
- The Un-Jobber
- The Terminator
The De-Jobber captures all messages sent to or from a company’s mail server. Messages are then analyzed and classified using Natural Language Processing. Message parsing looks for HR violations and develops an employee profile using a system of points. Each HR violation carries a series of points. For example,
- All non-work related messages (such as condolences sent to a friend whose father has just died) receive 2 points.
- Any obscenities such as four letter words receive 3 points.
- Disparaging complains about upper management receive 15 points.
- Sexual content receives 10 points.
- In keeping with the American value systems, violent content receives 1 point.
- Chain letters receive 200 points.
Over time, employees build up a number of points until they reach a point threshold. When an employee reaches his threshold, the system automatically sends him an email informing him that he has been relieved of his duties and should clean out his desk. A CC: of this email is automatically sent to the employee’s manager. The system can be configured to automatically page security when the message is sent. If necessary, the system can notify the police.
The termination point threshold is configurable on both an individual and departmental basis. For example, all employees in the engineering department could be assigned a threshold of 200, while those in marketing might be assigned a threshold of 25. A high level manager, who uses his email account to communicate with his 20 year-old girlfriend, could be assigned a threshold of 1000. A single mother of five, who has high health care costs and uses email to contact her children’s doctor, could be assigned a threshold of 10.
The system can be configured to forgive a certain number of points after a certain period of time. For instance, if an employee has no violations for a period 10 years, the system forgives 3 points.
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Note:
We may want to consider naming the product Evil(TM). If our target is HR, this name could help with product sales.
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